How to Support Your Partner or Friend During Fertility Treatments

Fertility treatment can be one of the most emotionally exhausting experiences a person can go through and yet, from the outside, it can be difficult to know how to support someone through it.

As a virtual therapist who has worked with many women navigating infertility and fertility treatments, I’ve seen how much the people around them can matter. Sometimes the most helpful thing isn't having the perfect advice. It's simply having someone who understands that this is hard and doesn't make them feel like they have to pretend everything is fine.

One of the biggest mistakes loved ones can make is acting like the fertility treatment isn't happening at all.

You may worry that bringing it up will remind them of something painful. But chances are, they are already thinking about it. The appointments, medications, injections, bloodwork, waiting, phone calls, pregnancy tests, and uncertainty can take up a tremendous amount of mental and emotional space.

You don't have to constantly ask about it. But acknowledging it can mean a lot.

If Your Partner Is Going Through Fertility Treatment

Fertility treatment can affect both people in a relationship, but the physical and emotional burden can sometimes fall much more heavily on the person undergoing treatment.

If your partner is taking medications, giving herself injections, going through procedures, dealing with side effects, or waiting for results, she may feel like her body is no longer entirely her own.

And emotionally, there can be a lot happening beneath the surface.

She may feel hopeful one day and completely discouraged the next. She may be excited about a possibility and terrified of getting her hopes up. She may want to talk about it constantly or not want to talk about it at all.

Try not to take those changes personally.

Don't make her carry the emotional load alone.

Even if you don't know what the next appointment is or what every medication does, you can still ask:

"How are you feeling about everything today?"

"Do you want to talk about it, or do you want a distraction?"

"Is there anything I can take off your plate this week?"

Those questions can communicate something incredibly important: I'm in this with you.

Don't only ask about the outcome.

It's easy to focus on the big questions:

"Did it work?"

"What did the doctor say?"

"When will you know?"

But sometimes your partner needs someone to ask how she is doing not just how the treatment is going.

Things to avoid saying

Even when they're well-intentioned, certain comments can feel dismissive or isolating.

Try to avoid:

• "Just relax."

• "It will happen when it's supposed to."

• "You need to stop stressing."

• "At least you can get pregnant."

• "We can always try again."

• "Maybe it's a sign."

• "You need to stay positive."

• "My friend got pregnant after she stopped trying."

• "It could be worse."

You don't have to fix the situation.

You don't have to make her feel positive.

You don't have to find the silver lining.

Sometimes the most supportive response is simply:

"I know this is really hard, and I'm here with you."

Remember that she may need different things on different days.

One day she may want to talk about embryos, appointments, pregnancy tests, or baby names.

The next day, she may want to watch television and pretend fertility treatment doesn't exist for a few hours.

Let her have both.

Supporting someone doesn't mean making fertility treatment the center of your relationship. It means recognizing that it's part of what she's going through while still giving her space to be a whole person.

Remember: You May Experience This Differently

One thing I often remind couples is that you don't have to experience fertility treatment in exactly the same way to care deeply about what is happening.

The person going through the physical treatment may be thinking about it constantly because her body, schedule, medications, appointments, and emotions are directly involved. Her partner may process things differently.

He may be quieter. He may not bring it up as often. He may not know what to say. He may cope by staying busy, focusing on work, making plans, or trying to keep things feeling "normal."

That doesn't automatically mean he doesn't care.

Sometimes one partner is processing out loud while the other is processing internally.

It's also possible that both partners are hurting but expressing it in completely different ways.

This can become especially difficult when one person thinks, "If you cared as much as I do, you would be talking about this more," while the other is thinking, "I'm trying not to make this harder for you."

Neither person necessarily has bad intentions.

Quiet doesn't always mean uncaring.

If your partner isn't talking about the fertility treatment as much as you are, try not to immediately assume that he doesn't care or isn't emotionally invested.

Instead, create opportunities for communication without demanding that he respond exactly the way you would.

You might say:

"I know we may be handling this differently, but I want to check in and see how you're doing."

Or:

"You don't have to have the right words. I just want to know how this is feeling for you, too."

And for the partner who is quieter, remember that your silence can sometimes be interpreted as indifference even when that's not what you mean.

You don't have to have a long emotional conversation every day. Sometimes simply saying, "I'm thinking about you,"asking how an appointment went, helping with something practical, or acknowledging that you know this is difficult can make a meaningful difference.

Try not to keep score.

Fertility treatment can make couples very aware of who is doing what.

"I'm the one taking all the medications."

"I'm the one going to all the appointments."

"I'm the one paying for everything."

"I'm the one who has to give the injections."

"I'm the one dealing with the emotional side of this."

Those feelings are valid, but keeping score can create distance at a time when you both need connection.

Instead, try to remember that you may be carrying different parts of the experience.

One partner may be carrying more of the physical burden. The other may be carrying financial stress, work responsibilities, fear, or their own private grief. Neither person's experience has to cancel out the other's.

The goal isn't to make sure you hurt equally.

The goal is to make sure neither of you feels alone.

And don't assume your partner knows what you need.

This is especially important during fertility treatment.

Your partner may genuinely want to support you but have no idea what would actually feel helpful.

Instead of hoping they will figure it out, try being specific.

"I don't need advice right now. I just need you to listen."

"Can you come with me to this appointment?"

"Can you handle dinner tonight? I'm exhausted."

"I want to talk about what happened today, but I don't need you to fix it."

"I need a break from talking about fertility tonight. Can we just have a normal night together?"

There is no single "right" way for couples to experience fertility treatment.

What matters most is making room for the fact that you may be coping differently while still being on the same team.

If Your Friend Is Going Through Fertility Treatment

Supporting a friend can look a little different.

You may not be involved in the appointments or decisions, and you may not know exactly what she's going through. That's okay.

You don't need to understand every detail to be supportive.

One of the most meaningful things you can do is keep showing up.

Don't disappear because you're afraid of saying the wrong thing.

A friend may sometimes stop bringing up treatment because she doesn't want to burden you. That doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want you to ask.

A simple:

"I've been thinking about you. How are you doing with everything?"

can open the door without putting pressure on her to talk.

And if she doesn't want to talk?

That's okay, too.

You can say:

"No pressure to talk about it. I just wanted you to know I'm here."

That can be incredibly comforting.

Be mindful of pregnancy and baby conversations.

This can be one of the hardest parts of infertility.

Your friend can genuinely be happy for someone else and still feel heartbroken about her own experience. Those feelings can exist at the same time.

If you're pregnant, having a baby, or announcing a pregnancy, consider giving your friend space to process privately.

A thoughtful message can be much easier than putting her on the spot in a group setting.

And remember that if she doesn't immediately respond with excitement, it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't happy for you.

Sometimes someone can love you deeply and still be hurting.

Don't disappear after the "big event."

People often check in around an egg retrieval, transfer, procedure, or pregnancy test and then move on.

But fertility treatment can involve months or years of uncertainty.

Keep checking in.

Not every conversation needs to be about infertility. In fact, sometimes the best thing you can do is invite your friend to dinner, talk about something completely unrelated, or make her laugh.

She is still your friend outside of fertility treatment.

Things to avoid saying to a friend

Some comments may be intended to encourage her but can unintentionally make her feel misunderstood.

Try to avoid:

• "Just stop thinking about it."

• "You need to relax."

• "Everything happens for a reason."

• "At least you already have a child."

• "You could always adopt."

• "Have you tried..."

• "My cousin did IVF and it worked!"

• "You should just stop trying."

• "I'm sure you'll get pregnant soon."

Unless she specifically asks for advice, you don't need to become her fertility expert.

You can simply be her friend.

What Should You Say Instead?

You don't need a perfect script.

You can say:

"I know this has been a lot. How are you doing?"

"I'm here if you want to talk about it."

"You don't have to give me an update, but I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you."

"Do you want support, advice, or just someone to listen?"

"I don't know exactly what to say, but I care about you and I'm here."

And sometimes, the best thing you can say is nothing at all.

Sit with her.

Listen.

Bring dinner.

Watch a movie.

Help with something practical.

Send a text after an appointment.

Remember an important date.

Let her cry without trying to make her feel better.

You don't have to fix infertility to support someone experiencing it.

Fertility treatment can bring hope, grief, anxiety, excitement, disappointment, jealousy, fear, and exhaustion all at the same time.

Your job as a partner or friend isn't to make those feelings disappear.

It's to help the person experiencing them feel a little less alone.

And perhaps one of the most powerful things you can communicate is:

"You don't have to pretend this isn't hard with me."

Sometimes, being willing to acknowledge the pain without trying to take it away is the support someone needs most.