Forgiveness: Letting Go for Your Own Mental Health

As a virtual private practice owner and therapist, I often talk to clients about growing up or becoming parents and then realizing that the way your parents or siblings treated you was not okay. That realization can be jarring—like pulling back a curtain on memories you’ve carried for years.

From there comes the hard work: learning to set boundaries, deciding whether or not to keep certain people in your life, and determining what’s best for your own children. Sometimes you may choose to maintain those relationships with boundaries firmly in place, only to find that the hurt continues.

So what do you do then? And how do you forgive someone for the things they’ve done—even when they’re not asking for forgiveness?

This is where the idea of forgiveness as self-care comes in. Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened was okay. It’s about deciding that you no longer want to carry the weight of that pain. You’re choosing to release yourself from the grip of resentment so you can breathe more freely.

Why Forgiveness Matters for Mental Health

• It frees mental space. Holding onto anger or resentment takes energy that could be used for growth, joy, and creativity.

• It reduces stress and anxiety. Letting go can lower tension in your body and mind.

• It can improve relationships. Even if you limit contact, forgiveness can help you show up more calmly and confidently in interactions.

• It helps you focus on your present. Forgiveness shifts your attention from the hurt of the past to the life you want to build now.

The Readiness Factor

Forgiveness can’t be forced. It’s not a “should”—it’s a choice. You may not be ready right away, and that’s okay. Readiness often shows up when:

• You’re tired of feeling emotionally weighed down.

• You’ve processed enough of the hurt to talk or think about it without intense reactivity.

• You feel more curious about your own healing than about changing the other person.

Steps Toward Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge what happened.
   Be honest with yourself about the harm that was done. Forgiveness isn’t denial—it starts with truth.

2. Allow yourself to feel the emotions.
   Anger, grief, disappointment—these are part of healing. Suppressing them can stall the process.

3. Separate the person from the action.
   You can disapprove of what they did without tying your entire sense of self to their behavior.

4. Decide what role—if any—they will have in your life.
   Forgiveness doesn’t mean unlimited access. Boundaries protect your healing.

5. Release the expectation of an apology.
   Some people may never acknowledge the harm they caused. Forgive for you, not for their validation.

6. Practice letting go daily.
   Forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. When resentment bubbles up, remind yourself why you chose to release it.

A Gentle Reminder

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. You can forgive someone in your heart and still decide that they cannot be part of your life. Your mental health matters, and you are allowed to protect it.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself—a way to stop carrying the weight of someone else’s choices and start living the life you want to create.