Tips to Set Healthy Boundaries
As a therapist, I work with many clients who struggle to understand, define, or maintain healthy boundaries. Often, people swing between two extremes—either avoiding boundaries altogether out of guilt or discomfort, or cutting others off entirely when things become difficult. I encourage clients to find a middle ground, one where it's possible to keep meaningful relationships while still protecting their emotional well-being. This means recognizing when someone’s behavior—intentional or not—is harmful, setting clear boundaries in response, and staying consistent in upholding them.
Of course, there are times when a relationship becomes so toxic or abusive that cutting someone off is the healthiest and safest option. But in most cases, I guide clients to first explore what the boundary should look like, whether or how to verbally communicate it, and how to handle any resistance that may come up. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, especially at first, but it’s an essential part of self-respect and maintaining healthy connections. Below are some practical tips to help you set and maintain boundaries with confidence.
Recognize When a Boundary Needs to Be Set
The first step in setting healthy boundaries is tuning into your feelings—especially resentment, discomfort, or overwhelm. These are often clues that a boundary is being crossed. Pay attention to when interactions consistently leave you drained, anxious, or frustrated. Boundaries are not just about saying “no” to others—they’re about saying “yes” to protecting your peace, values, and emotional health.
Get Clear on What the Boundary Is
Before communicating anything, define what you actually need. Is it more time for yourself? Less unsolicited advice? Respect for your parenting choices? Boundaries are more effective when they’re specific, realistic, and grounded in your values. The clearer you are, the easier it becomes to express and reinforce them.
Decide If (and How) to Communicate the Boundary
Not all boundaries need to be spoken aloud—but many do. If the other person is directly involved, it’s usually best to communicate your boundary calmly and directly. Use “I” statements to express your needs clearly and respectfully. For example: “I need some quiet time when I get home from work to recharge,” or “I feel uncomfortable when you speak negatively about my father, so I’d prefer not to discuss those topics.” Speaking from your own experience helps prevent defensiveness, sets clear expectations, and reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings.
Expect Pushback—And Stay Firm
It’s normal for people to resist when you start setting new boundaries, especially if they’ve benefited from you not having them. Don’t take it as a sign you’re doing something wrong. Expect some discomfort—yours and theirs—and remind yourself that enforcing a boundary is a form of self-respect, not punishment. You may need to repeat your boundary several times, and that’s okay. The key is consistency—communicate it with kindness, but stand firm in what you’ve said.
Reassess and Adjust as Needed
Boundaries are not rigid walls—they’re living, breathing decisions that can evolve over time. As relationships grow or circumstances change, it’s okay to revisit your boundaries. Are they still serving you? Are you still upholding them? Healthy boundaries grow with you, not against you.
Acknowledge the Emotions That Come With It
Setting boundaries, even when you know it’s right, can still stir up emotions like guilt, sadness, or anger. You might worry that you're being selfish or hurting someone. That’s normal. Feelings aren’t facts—they’re signals to explore, not reasons to abandon your boundaries. Remind yourself that these limits are in place to protect your mental and emotional health and, ultimately, to support healthier relationships.
Reassess and Adjust as Needed
Boundaries are not rigid walls—they’re living, breathing decisions that can evolve over time. As relationships grow or circumstances change, it’s okay to revisit your boundaries. Are they still serving you? Are you still upholding them? Healthy boundaries grow with you, not against you.
Remember, boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about protecting your peace and preserving healthy relationships. When hurt or resentment builds over time because needs aren’t being respected, it can create distance and damage trust. Boundaries are what keep that from happening. They’re not selfish, and they’re not something to feel guilty about—they’re a necessary part of self-care and connection.
As a therapist, I often walk through these steps with my clients, helping them find language that feels natural and comfortable when expressing their boundaries. You don’t have to navigate it alone. If you're struggling to know where to start or how to follow through, I’m here to support you.
