Guilt, Shame, and Infertility

As a virtual therapist who specializes in individuals and couples struggling with infertility, I’ve witnessed how often guilt and shame show up during this journey. But I don’t just understand this professionally — I understand it personally.

I’ve gone through IUI.
I’ve gone through multiple rounds of IVF.
I’ve sat in the waiting rooms. I’ve held the calendar with medication schedules. I’ve felt the rollercoaster of hope, disappointment, and uncertainty.

So when my clients talk about the emotional toll of infertility — especially the guilt and shame — I’m not just listening from a clinical standpoint. I’m also listening from lived experience.

Infertility is not one-size-fits-all. Everyone’s story is different. This isn’t about comparing timelines or choices — it’s about offering reassurance that you are not alone, and the emotions you’re feeling are more common than you think. Below are a few of the most common sources of guilt and shame I’ve experienced personally and heard from so many clients over the years.

The Guilt of “Starting Too Late”

A lot of people express regret — wishing they had started trying to conceive earlier, pursued testing sooner, or spoken up more in medical settings. The guilt of “I should have done something sooner” is heavy.

But hindsight is harsh. The reality is: we all make decisions based on what we knew, who we were, and what we were ready for at the time.

You were doing the best you could with the information, emotional bandwidth, and life context you had. And the fact that you eventually took those brave steps — to seek answers, try treatment, advocate for yourself — speaks to your strength.

The Shame of a Body That “Isn’t Doing What It Should”

This one is especially deep. Society teaches us from a young age that “men and women make babies.” So when it doesn’t happen easily, or at all, shame creeps in.

For women, there’s often this feeling that “My body was made for this, and it’s failing me.”
For men, there’s pressure to be “strong,” to contribute, to not “be the problem.”
No matter what side you're on — or even if both partners are struggling — the shame can feel like a personal indictment.

Many of us have found ourselves in a spiral of questioning:
Was it the birth control? The stress? The hot baths? Should I have done something differently?

But shame lies. Your body is not broken. Your identity is not defined by your ability to conceive. And the truth is, infertility is not your fault.

Religious Guilt and Spiritual Pain

For many, infertility raises big spiritual questions. Some clients find support and comfort in their faith — others feel hurt, judged, or abandoned by their spiritual communities.

I’ve heard it all:

“IVF isn’t naturally from God so it’s bad.”
“Maybe this is punishment.”
“Why would God let this happen?”

When religion or faith becomes a source of guilt or confusion, it can deepen the pain. If you’re struggling with these questions, know that you’re not alone in that either. It's okay to wrestle with faith, to feel confused, or to redefine what spirituality means for you.

The Shame of Feeling Emotionally “Too Much” or “Not Enough”

Shame doesn’t just show up around your body — it can also show up around your emotions. I’ve had clients (and personally felt this myself) express shame about how they’re handling the journey emotionally.

You might think:

• “I should be stronger.”

• “Why am I still upset about this?”

• “Other people go through worse.”

• “I don’t even cry anymore — what’s wrong with me?”

Sometimes we shame ourselves for being too emotional, and other times we feel ashamed for being too numb. But there is no “right” way to respond to infertility. Your emotional reaction — whether it's grief, anger, numbness, or detachment — is a normal response to an incredibly abnormal experience.

The Guilt of How Infertility Affects Relationships

Many people carry guilt about the impact infertility has on their relationships — with their partner, friends, family, or even co-workers. You may feel guilty about:

• Avoiding baby showers or announcements

• Pulling away from loved ones

• Being irritable or withdrawn

• Not being the partner you want to be during treatment

• Not giving your parents or in-laws the grandchild they hoped for

Infertility doesn’t just affect you — it affects your entire emotional ecosystem. But feeling guilt about how you’re coping or what others expect from you only adds more weight to an already heavy journey. You’re allowed to protect your peace. You’re allowed to grieve in your own way. And you're allowed to not be everything for everyone right now.

The Shame of Feeling Jealous or Resentful Toward Others

This is a big one — and one people feel too ashamed to say out loud. Many individuals feel deep shame about:

• Feeling jealous of friends who get pregnant easily

• Avoiding social media because of pregnancy announcements

• Secretly resenting others who complain about parenting struggles

They often say, “I hate that I feel this way — I should be happy for them.”
But the truth is, jealousy doesn’t make you a bad person. It means you're human. When someone has what you deeply want, it’s natural to feel pain and longing. That doesn’t erase your compassion or love for others — it just means your heart is hurting.

The Guilt of Considering Other Paths (or Wanting to Stop Trying)

Some clients feel immense guilt when they start thinking about alternatives like adoption, donor eggs/sperm, surrogacy, or not having children at all. There’s guilt around:

• “Giving up” on a biological child

• Wondering if they’re letting others down

• Feeling emotionally or financially exhausted

People often carry silent grief and guilt if their heart is torn between continuing and letting go. But it’s okay to consider all your options. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to make the best decision for you, not based on what others expect or what you thought you wanted a year ago.

The Shame of How Infertility Has Changed Your Identity

Infertility can shake the foundation of how you see yourself. You might feel like:

• You no longer recognize who you are

• You’ve lost your joy, spontaneity, or confidence

• Your identity is reduced to cycles, appointments, and outcomes

That loss of self can be wrapped in shame — especially when others expect you to just “stay positive” or “trust the process.” Acknowledging this shift can help clients begin the process of reclaiming their identity — beyond infertility.

You’re Not Alone in This

As you read through these layers of guilt and shame, I wonder — did any of them resonate with you?

Maybe you’ve blamed yourself for not starting sooner.
Maybe you’ve questioned your worth because of what your body hasn’t done.
Maybe you've carried silent grief, comparing yourself to others, while feeling completely isolated in your pain.

If you’ve felt any of these things — please hear this: you are not the only one. So many people are silently holding the same emotions, even if they’re not talking about it. Guilt and shame thrive in silence, but the moment we name them, they begin to loosen their grip.

As a therapist — and someone who has walked this road personally through IUI and IVF — I want you to know that your feelings are valid, even the messy ones. There is space for your grief, your questions, your anger, and your hope. You don’t have to carry it all on your own.

If you're looking for a place to talk about it — without judgment — I offer virtual therapy for individuals and couples navigating infertility. Whether you’re at the beginning, in the thick of it, or somewhere in between, you deserve support that understands both the clinical side and the personal pain of this journey.

You are not broken.
You are not alone.
And there is room to begin healing.